Throughout my life I have incurred any number of injuries, many found well after the fact. Many injuries were simply endured, falling under my omnipresent mantra of ‘ignore it and it will go away’.  When much younger I did things like sew a deep cut in one of my fingers, knowing they were necessary given I could see the ligaments moving within the cut.  In other situations I ignored things, a broken ankle for one.  However, things always seemed to be different with my cancer, because from the beginning it always told me something was wrong.  I sought initial treatment because the cancer caused me to loose my ejaculate and on other occasions it told me different things.  Over time I have learned to listen to my body and with that has come a number of discoveries.

In April of 2005, my son and I visited London and it was there the first definitive message delivered itself.  For until that point, all indications were I was in ‘remission’, the cancer had been arrested or at least inactivated for the time with no suggestion of its return.  However, on one evening, riding back to the hotel in a double-decker bus, my body felt different, albeit in a nondescript sort of way.  I also had a ‘vision’ of sorts, the image of times to come with the cancer much more active, more threatening.  Over time I have come to listen to these messages and conveyed them to Ron and Paul, both of whom have come to respect my ability to understand what is happening within me.  Recently, January of this year to be precise, I began feeling a pain in my left side, a pain which intensified t the point of my being nearly immobilized, unable to get out of bed.  Much of the pain at that time attributed to a mild case of pneumonia and for the most part I felt it the sole the source.  However, as with all things, all messages communicated to me, I heard something more and began to wonder if indeed it was solely limited to the pneumonia.

Once I completed the antibiotic regiment prescribed me, I started feeling better, but the discomfort lingered with no distinct source.  I have continued to feel this pain, constant and almost unrelenting ever since.  In my mind I played the scenarios, the most likely being the cancer spread to the lymph nodes under my arms as is often the case with breast cancer.  I have held the source to likely be my cancer, but in light of the latest treatment protocol, any growth should, at a minimum, be slowed.  Enter the next sign, a sign very distinctive and characteristic of the etiology of my disease, my urinary flow is diminishing.  Tonight, after many attempts to palpate something noteworthy under my arm, I found something definitive, a lump, a small, but elongated mass extending from under my left arm over to the periphery of my left breast.  To me the message is now clear, the cancer is active and by many measures, growing at an alarming rate.  Next week I go to see Paul and I am almost certain he will confirm my discovery, and with perhaps more revealed.  I am almost certain, as I have begun sensing, my time will be short, that while Ron said not to be optimistic about seeing another Easter, I believe I will be more than fortunate to see another Thanksgiving.

Happy reading, happy thoughts and happy trails.

As always, feel free to comment or you may email me at lifeabstractions@gmail.com

ciao

Lifesabstractions

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