Many people will say they are in tune with their bodies, that they know when something is good, or bad.  Some say it is a feeling, other call it intuition, for me, well I think there are elements of both.  For those who follow my writings they will know I’ve written of this before, not specifically, but tangentially, referring to a trip to London with my son where it was intuition that dominated my ‘sense of self’, of the ‘status of my condition.  More recently, the past several years, the measure of my condition is more direct, communicated in the form of physical symptoms.  Over time I’ve come to know these, correlate their meaning, translate that which my body is telling me.  In that light it seems my body has been, for perhaps a month or so, telling me something, sending a message.

The trip to London came on the heels of what many considered a successful series of treatments.  In the big picture, an extensive, aggressive cancer, growing very rapidly beyond its normal domain was sequestered.  My PSA was down dramatically and had been for a reasonably long time.  At the time no real reason for concern existed, no reason to feel threatened.  The message that came that night was intuitive, prompted by a bus shelter appearing while the double-decker pulled to the stop.  In my mind, the message was clear, definitive and leaving no question in my mind that the cancer decided on making a comeback, that it rallied forces with intent to appear.  The appearance came subtly, slowly and in a measured way, six months later.

It is interesting how life sends us different things, in some cases challenging us to be on the top of our game, at others allowing us to become complacent, to simply live life.  In some ways it offers periods of normal, those times absent of the drama, of the struggles we all, at one time or another, everyone seems to experience.  For me, and I suppose for many with cancer, those times come when we can truly put the disease out of our mind, that we can, with some sense of ‘normal’, attempt to plan ou lives as all others, all those not affected by some ravaging disease.  It has been that way for me, for nearly a year now I planned on taking my son hunting, seeing him graduate, not only from his undergraduate program, but the likely graduate program he will be attending.  From a career perspective, I could look forward, once again plan a path to that which I complete my time in the workforce, that capable of making me truly happy.  Complacency set in, and, as I strive to do consciously, without my input, cancer left the equation, until the past month, until my body began speaking again.

Happy reading, happy thoughts and happy trails.

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